REFLECTIONS ON THE WAY OUT OF PAIN

BY
DR UVIE-EMEGBO ANDERSON
FAGBA, LAGOS, NIGERIA
01 - 04 - 2007

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What does “pain” connote to you? What imagery runs through your mind when you think about it? Is it that of the agonizing cry of a woman in labour, travailing to bring forth a new freshness to mother earth? Or is it the peppery upper abdominal pain of a peptic ulcer patient? Is it that of the loss of a dear one or of a broken relationship, failed promise, etc? Is it the loss of something that could have been? Regret about what you did wrong, somebody you let down – trust broken? Is it the chronic pain of an arthritis or diabetic foot disease patient? Have you experienced betrayal from the most intimate of friends (remember Caesar and Brutus; Jesus and Judas)? Questions, questions and more questions.

Whichever way it comes, pain is a deeply unpleasant experience. It can be so excruciating and unbearable. And the sad part of pain is that in most instances, there’s no shortcut out of it. Sometimes, we find it extremely hard to open up to others about it. It could be that they might not understand or that they might be judgmental. Hurt, grief and sorrow are emotions we all go through at one time or the other in life. It is a common denominator to man. Often times, it is so easy to retreat into our cocoon after such experiences; so easy to mistrust others; so easy to lay the blame and point an accusing finger. It’s also human to try to hurt back – to get one’s pound of flesh, to throw caution to the wind. Feeling so alone, dejected and rejected, we may retreat to some inner recesses of our minds where even the best of friends with the most noble of intentions cannot reach us.

Some pains are self-inflicted and deeply ingrained in our manner of thinking. Others like the state of the nation or its reputation before the international community are due to no fault of ours. But keeping to one self is far from the solution. It is possible to take control of your life and live as pain free a life as possible.

Here are a few tips to help you.

1. Realize that disappointments and hurts are an essential part of life.

People will fail you. You too will fail yourself! It’s not the end of the world. Pain can be redemptive. Love … you may be heartbroken; give …you may not get anything back in return; trust … it might be broken; live … you may die. Life is a risk. Take worthy risks. If you don’t risk, you won’t grow, learn, love or live.

2. Forgive easily.

“Life’s too short to keep a record of animosities and count wrongs”. Stop blaming others. Give excuses for the shortcomings of others and move on. Don’t be too hard on yourself, after all, “you are never as good as they tell you when you win, nor are you as bad as they say when you lose”.

3. Be very selective of what you tell as well as who you divulge your personal information to. Not everyone is interested in you as they seem. Remember that you have lost the right over whatever you tell anyone. Before you tell somebody anything, let it be that which can be repeated in public… because it just might.

4. Live a principled and value-centred life.

“Do unto others as you would want them do unto you” is the golden rule. Follow it. If you think something will hurt you, it probably might hurt the next person also. Don’t join others in pulling down another because what goes around comes around. Cultivate a reputation for defending others.

5. Be realistic about your expectations of others.

Let them be few and far between. Don’t take things or people for granted. Count everything people do for you as a privilege and not a right – even in love. Take things with a grateful heart. It is better for someone to disappoint you on a small matter than on a major issue. Give more! Expect less!

6. Learn everyday from the school called “life”.

Through every painful experience, ask yourself, “why” and “how”. Take stock. See the blessing in the storm, make the necessary adjustments and move on.

7. Do not put your trust in man.

An infallible man is yet to be born. “The best of men are still men at their very best …” They can fail you without batting an eyelid. Every man has a price and may be a slave to a temptation.

8. Have a good network of loved ones

You need your friends and family around you – to empathize with you. Many a time, all you need in your period of pain, is somebody to hold your hand, hold you close and just keep mum. At those moments, silence is truly golden.

9. The past is past.

Let it go! Make no allowance for regrets. Every morning you awake is God telling you that there is a better today for your broken yesterday. Embrace the present.

10. Make the most of every relationship.

Let every moment count. Fill every minute with sixty seconds of happiness. See the big picture. Add value to the lives of those around you. Don’t wait till tomorrow before sending that gift, thank you note or showing appreciation…it might be too late. Do it now! Why quarrel over two pieces of meat in the soup pot, when there are millions of cattle waiting to be slaughtered? Practise the “win-win” principle. Be a “good” finder, not a “fault” finder.

11. Reflect

The death of a loved one can be devastating. To ease the pain, reflect on the good times you shared, and the virtues and values of the person. For heart breaks, remember that they only last as long and cut as deep as you allow them. Stop that self-pity. It will get you nowhere. Get a hold on yourself. Where did you go wrong? Go for counseling if you need it. Talk to someone who cares about your pain/loss. Your chances of happiness in a future relationship depend on how well you deal with the past pain.

12.  Be content

There will always be people more gifted and privileged than you. Celebrate yourself. “The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes their way”.

13. Laugh at yourself.

Sometimes, you shouldn’t take yourself too seriously. In the words of Mosche Waddock, “a sense of humour can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected and smile through the unbearable”. Remember, every minute wallowed in self pity is sixty seconds of happiness lost forever.

Have you ever hurt, cry, hide your head in shame, walked with your shoulders drooping, your arms hanging limply by the side, your head bowed and your eyes starring listlessly at the ground? Sure, it’s a painful world, but then, through it all, you can gain immense strength and inner fortitude. With God’s grace, you can experience a greater sense of appreciation for all your challenges and for those who touched your life. Pick up the pieces of your life and make a brand new start today.